Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
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