I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
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