I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
This can only be settled by a dance off.
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
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