Your dad touched me again.
Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
hapi new year, hope this year brings u happiness and lots of sexi people ;)
stop writing like that.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Randomize
