dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
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No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
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Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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