My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
Randomize
