ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
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