Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
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