I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Randomize
