I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Randomize
