if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Randomize
