Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
considering how much of last night I don't remember and the amount of ones laying on my desk right now, it's safe to say I'm concerned
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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