Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Randomize
