Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
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