I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Randomize
