I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
