He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
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