Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
