I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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