Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
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