if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
