awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
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