I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
