When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
I need to sanitize my soul.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
Randomize
