The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
Randomize
