Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Randomize
