Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
Randomize
