I accidentally burped into my bong.
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
I think my nap took me to another dimension
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
