Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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