Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
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