after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
After tacos, we're chasing women.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Randomize
