my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
New low: just hacked my moms facebook
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
Randomize
