Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
