see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
Randomize
