My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
So I realize somewhere between mildly irritated and outright belligerently pissed is where you are, but as to location, where are you?
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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