How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
some 7 year old just told me his favorite rapper was eminem and kim got what she deserved...god damn today's youth is in a dark period
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
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