I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
Randomize
