If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
I checked into jail on foursquare
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
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