This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
