what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
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You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
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I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
We climaxed at the same time during ain't no mountain high enough. Does it get more cheesy or domestic for a non relationship?
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
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