The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
Randomize
