i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
Randomize