I can't watch pbs sober anymore
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
can i bring anything?
Any of the following: Sex doll, side dish, fruits/vegetables that look like dildos, beer
is there a theme i should know about?
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Randomize
