I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
My dick has a subreddit
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
Randomize
