you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
Drake has all the answers
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
Randomize
