Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
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his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
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So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
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