mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
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