"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
I'm just crazy horny about you
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
Randomize
