i blacked out hard core.. it was bad peeeed muh bed
see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
Randomize
