My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Randomize
