i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
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