I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
Actions speak louder than words. Her actions scream crazy.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
Randomize
