I would say the hottest chick there looked like Susan Boyle and the ugliest like Bea Arthur
Nice use of current day folklore
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
Randomize
