i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize