Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
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